What we know after 25 years...

So...25 years ago today, on a rainy Colorado afternoon, two very young and hopeful people got married.

Today, the same two people, a little older (but still hopeful!) went out to lunch and decided to write down what we think we have figured out...so far...about this marriage thing.

[Disclaimer: we do not do everything on this list 100% of the time. Some of this we are just now realizing after all these years! Lots of figuring out what works and what doesn't. ALSO: we recognize that some of this applies to OUR marriage. We don't know if it applies to YOUR marriage. Maybe your marriage could benefit from considering some of what we have to share. Maybe not. Every marriage is as unique as the two people in it, and only the two people in it can decide what their marriage will be and how to create that.]

1. Only one person can be crazy at a time.

We cannot stress this enough. You get to take turns, but somebody has to choose sanity when somebody else hops on the crazy train. When we talked about this idea, The Hubby said: "And it is awesome how that seems to work out all the time for us." He's right. It is almost like a switch kicks on and we are able to know when it's time for us to be the voice of reason, or when it's our turn to lose it, knowing that our partner will hold it together.

2) Laugh at life together.

There's a line in an old movie (Mr. Mom) where Michael Keaton says, "Never lose your sense of humor! It's critical!" There are times when you need to laugh your way through something...and times like that come along a LOT in 25 years. There have been times when I have been at my darkest, and Edward will make me laugh and then I know that no matter what, it is going to be okay. There is such comfort in going through a tough time and knowing he can still make me smile. I know I have returned the favor to him over the years, and it bonds you together as a couple.

3) Two heads are better than one.

In almost every way, things end up better when we make a plan together, rather than alone. I think all of our home improvement projects around the house are a testament to this. I have an idea, and as I bring that idea to my husband, he offers insight and suggestions and "what if we..." and the finished product is far better than if I had just done it the way that I thought it should be done. I do the same for him when he has dreams and plans about career or education or whatever. Having a trusted friend to run things by is one of the sweetest gifts of marriage, and we are stronger together than we could ever be alone.

4) You can't forget about each other.

The Hubby put it this way, and I love it. What he meant was: you can't ever stop seeing each other, loving each other, watching out for each other and being each other's friend. Life can and will get in the way if you let it. You have to remember that this is the single most important relationship you will ever be in, outside of your relationship with God, and you cannot neglect it. Even if you feel like you are neglecting it for good things.

5) Never line up your troubles.

In 25 years we have had our share of challenges. We have had broken hearts and worn out spirits from time to time. One thing we have figured out is that it is never a good idea to "line up your troubles." One day, many years ago, Ed came home and just looked like he had battled the day and the day had kicked his butt. I asked him what was going on, and he started to list off all the things that were causing us pain at that particular time. I immediately started laughing (again with the humor) and said, "Well, there's your problem! You never, ever line up your troubles like that...that is WAY too overwhelming! Sometimes you just have to put your head down and get through it without thinking too much."

6) Go ahead and go to bed angry.

Sometimes you are tired and stuck in the fight and you just need to find neutral corners and come back later. We are not saying run away, we are not saying ignore it and never come back to talk...what we are saying is that if you never go to bed angry, then here is what you have: two angry people, up late, exhausted, trying to work out emotional things. That's just not smart. Call a truce. It will all look different in the morning.

7) Play to your strengths.

When we got married in the temple (about 3 years after we were married civilly) we got great advice from the sealer. He told us to figure out what each of us is good at, and then let the strong person take the lead in those things, and also teach the other one as they go. There are things I am better at, and the same is true for my husband. It is just plain silly to have me take the lead in something when I am not good at it, just so I can prove something or feel in charge. That doesn't serve our best interests as a couple.

8) Learn with each other about how to parent your children.

This goes along with playing to your strengths. We have 7 children, and while they are similar in some ways, they are also quite different and they need to be parented with that in mind. Some of our children we understand better than others. It is a huge asset when you can listen to your partner when they just have a better "feel" for one of your children, and how to best help them. No one parent has all the answers on how to best parent every child.

9) To men, from the hubby: Trust your wife's instincts.

Learn to listen to the feelings, thoughts, and ideas that your wife has and trust her when she says she "just knows" something.

10) To women, from the wife (me): Get over yourself and how you feel about your body.

If you are lucky enough to have a husband who wants to get close to you physically...don't push him away because you are tired or you feel annoyed. It is a gift to have a man that knows you very, very well and is still somehow attracted to you. It not only can bring the two of you together, it can teach you something about accepting yourself.

11) You don't have to agree on everything.

As long as the big, life changing things are on the same page. And please note: most things are NOT big and life changing, they are just preference and personality.

12) Help each other succeed.

 We can go a long way to creating the marriage we want if we give each other chances to succeed at it. Just coming right out and asking for what you want is a good strategy, rather than falling into the "if you loved me then you'd know" trap. If I don't tell my husband what I want, I am setting him up to fail. Same goes for him. It has been my experience that if you are married to a decent person, and you tell them that you want something, and the "something" you want is reasonable, then they will do it. Problem solved.

13) Remember that you are the center of your children's universe for a very short time.

Always try to make your marriage a priority. This is SO hard for moms of little ones, but it is really important. Have date nights. Or afternoons. Or date "hour after the kids finally go to sleep and before we drop dead." Your marriage started before the children came, and if you are lucky, it will last for much much longer than after the children leave. Nurture it.

14) Plans change, and that's okay.

One of the things that happens in life is that sometimes, things don't work out the way we planned. Or hoped. Or dreamed. It really is okay, as long as you remember that a different plan or a different hope or a different dream is still a plan, hope, or dream. And it is still just as valid. You may not end up where you thought you would, but if you are there--still together, still liking each other--that's a win.

15) It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful.

This is a quote from a great blogger that I love (The Nester), and it goes along with the last one. Your marriage doesn't have to be perfect to be a good marriage. It doesn't have to look like a romantic comedy or an epic love story to be of value. Yes, you will let each other down. Yes, you will say and do thoughtless things over the years...but that doesn't mean that you don't still have something beautiful. I think about pictures of people that are scarred and worn and wrinkled and aged...they are beautiful because life has made it's mark and they reflect that. Marriages that last a long time can be beautiful because the two people in it have the battle scars and they reflect them because they fought those battles and came out of it wiser and stronger.

16) You don't have to like all the things your partner likes, as long as you can appreciate them.

This blog post is the perfect example of this. My husband abhors the internet and blogs and all things like unto it. However, he gamely worked on this list with me because he knows that as much as he hates the internet, I love it. I do the same thing for him, with Duck Dynasty and the band KISS.

17) There may be "divorced" times.

I remember reading a marriage book a jillion years ago that said this. And we believe it to be true for many marriages. There will be times when you feel disconnected. There may be times when you don't know how to talk about anything real. There may be times when you feel like glorified roommates. If it happens, that doesn't mean that your marriage is over. It might mean that your marriage needs to be reborn and re-created, because something is not working. You can find each other again. We promise.

18) Respect each other's efforts to show love.

Call it love language, call it Mars and Venus, call it whatever you want. Sometimes we just don't communicate or love each other in the "right" way according to our partner. If you can figure out how your partner shows their love for you, you can come to appreciate and respect it, even if it isn't the way that might be your first choice. My husband loves me with service. He hears me complain of a headache and brings me Tylenol and water. He sees me get super excited about projects around the house and he somehow finds the time and energy to do them for me. My first choice might be to have flowery and romantic words from my man, but that doesn't make how he shows his love for me any less powerful or important. Don't ignore the love that is coming your way just because it isn't dressed up the way you imagine it.

19) Batten down the hatches and wait out the storm.

A dear woman, Marjorie Hinckley, once said, "There are years in our lives that we would not wish to live over again." Kids have issues, jobs come and go, health problems blindside you...some years are just tough. We have come to learn that you just have to secure the ship by doing the things that you know will help you, and then ride it out. The storm will pass.

20) Say thank you.

For everything. Big and small. Often.

21) Give the gift of loving them where they are.

Since we all have weaknesses and faults, chances are at some point in your marriage, you are going to wish that your partner would change. And they will wish the same of you. The only real and lasting change that we have ever seen with each other has been when we have been kind enough to just love the person where they are, as they are, and worked on ourselves rather than trying to make "fixing" them our project. Control  and improve who you can: yourself. People who feel loved right where they are feel safe. And people who feel safe feel the room that is needed to change and become their best selves.

22) Remember that you are teaching your children what marriage looks like.

Husbands, your sons are watching you for how to treat the girl they fall in love with. Wives, your daughters are watching how you treat your husband, to figure out how to be a wife. Please don't let this scare you too much. You are going to make mistakes and you are going to be a bad example sometimes. They will learn from how you handle that, too.

23) Have a vision for your marriage that goes beyond today.

We can see why people end marriages. If you aren't happy, if you feel disconnected, and your marriage is just about today, or even this month or this year, then why wouldn't you end it and move on? We have a vision for our marriage that goes beyond this life. It goes beyond just us. We believe that we have made promises not just to each other and to our children, but to our God...and that is heavy stuff. But knowing that turns every obstacle and situation into a stepping stone and learning experience, rather than just a bunch of things that just happen. It also gives us strength beyond our own. If God is for us, who can be against us? And we know that God wants our marriage to succeed.

24) Be generous.

With your forgiveness. With your kindness. With your service for each other. With your praise. Give more than is deserved, because you will never keep accurate score and the truth is that you shouldn't ever try.

25) Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do? We swim, swim, swim.

This is a favorite quote of mine, and Ed thinks we should end with this. (okay, babe.) Whatever is going on, whatever is coming your way--both individually and as couple--just stay in there. Don't give up. Keep at it. Good times will come and go and so will the bad. Love each other enough to keep swimming.

Quote of the week...

"I worship a Fourth Watch God." 

--S. Michael Wilcox



This is from:

Bread or Stones: Understanding the God We Pray To by S. Michael Wilcox

I cannot really put into words how much I needed to hear this talk, how I was meant to read these words when I did. It was as though everything stopped for a moment and I was brought outside of everything I had been feeling and believing and told, "Shhhhh...listen to this. Hear this. Know this."

Find a quiet moment, and read. You'll be glad you did.

Quote of the week...

To wrap this year up, I had to borrow this quote from my wonderful daughter's blog. You can fall in love with her here: The Secret Life of Bee.


“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”
 
--Hugh Mackay


 This year, 2012, has been...unexpected. This year has not turned out the way that I would have anticipated or hoped in many different aspects. Things have come out of the blue and demanded attention when I would have rather not have dealt with them. I am trying to get my feet back under me again, and to learn what God would have me learn from these experiences. Hence my loving this quote when I read it. I don't believe that God wants us to be happy so much as he wants us to have joy...and that is where the wholeness comes in. Love that. In all that does or does not happen to me and those around me, I am being made whole. I will refuse to give up on that and I will seek it through the darkest times.

My prayer for the new year is that we will all seek to be whole, whatever that may mean in our own lives.

Dayenu.

I have been thinking a lot about an experience I had last month while at Education Week. (a weekend where BYU-Idaho opens up the campus to people for 3 days and has hundreds of Continuing Education classes.)

We signed up for a Passover Dinner celebration with Victor Ludlow. He walked us through the entire evening and how the occasion has been celebrated for decades, adding in his own experiences of traveling to the Holy Lands, and sharing insights from his life long study of the Jewish culture and religion.

There were several things about that night that left a lasting impression on me, and one is a portion of the Passover called, "Dayenu." The reader (Ludlow, in this case) reads stanzas as the dinner guests respond, "Dayenu" each time, and then all the guests sing a song.

The word "Dayenu" means, "it would have been enough for us", "it would have been sufficient", or "it would have sufficed" (day in Hebrew is "enough", and enu means "to us"). The stanzas (there are 15)that the reader recites all refer to blessings that God gave the Jewish people, such as deliverance from Egypt. Some of the stanzas refer to the miracles that God gave them, and the dinner guests say, "Dayenu" after each one, like this:

If He had split the sea for us. (dayenu)
If He had led us through on dry land. (dayenu)
If He had drowned our oppressors. (dayenu)
If He had provided for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years. (dayenu)
If He had fed us manna. (dayenu)

I have pondered many time since that night the importance of feeling and recognizing "dayenu" or, for me, what God has done for me and my family that would have been "enough". I think too often, it is easy to think about what we have right now that might be lacking, and not remember all the good in our lives that has come before. Sometimes, I forget all the miracles that have happened in my life...instead I stand and wait impatiently for the next one.

So since that night, I have tried to say my own version of "dayenu" when I feel prompted or pulled to do so. It sounds different every time, and each time I have done it, I feel a swell of gratitude and a surge of perspective. I see in a tender and fresh way that God has indeed been good to me. Here is what one I say might sound like:

If He had given me my body and soul, dayenu.
If He had given me a good husband, dayenu.
If He had kept us both healthy and safe, dayenu.
If He had given us just 1 child, dayenu.
If He had healed my heart of just one wound, dayenu.
If He had given me 1 person to learn from, dayenu.

What I love most about this meditation/prayer/thought process is the unspoken afterthought of, "but He didn't just do that. He gave me more. Much more."

I hope that this little lesson I learned can be of value to someone out there who reads it, and that you can find a way to see what God has done for you that would have been "enough", and even more importantly, how much He gave you after that.

And if you feel for just a moment the love that He has for you, then...dayenu.

As the weather warms up and families start traveling...

...I have to ask that you take a moment and read my friend, Anne's, recent experience.

Anne and her family's story at Car Seat Nanny

For all intents and purposes, the crash Anne's family was in could have been a multiple fatal. My husband has covered many crashes just like this, with much different results.



Please, please, please. Never buy used car seats. Have your car seats installed by a law enforcement officer or car seat installing specialist (like Anne herself). Use them. Every single time you are in the car with your children. Be an example and protect your children's parents. Wear your seatbelts. Every single time.

happy mother's day...

...to my friends in the trenches of motherhood with me. It is a joy and a blessing to learn with--and from--you all.

And...I miss you, Mom. Both what you were, and what you never got the chance to become.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today did not reflect my best work.

I respectfully and humbly request a "do over".

Love,

Your daughter

5 years ago today...

I almost became a widow.

Here's an excerpt from my journal:

April 26, 2002
"If I do not write in here, I will be an ungrateful daughter to my Father in Heaven, and I am so very grateful to Him that I must write...
My darling husband was nearly killed in an accident at work. He was ticketing someone and as he stood at their vehicle issuing the citation, a semi truck drifted onto the shoulder and hit his patrol car, driving within inches of him. The girls that were in the car by where he was standing thought he had been hit, because the truck came so close to him, and he was thrown several feet by the force of side wind. His patrol car is totaled, completely crushed on the driver's side.
As for my husband, he is bruised and sore from being hit with debris ... He felt the impact of things on his back, but he thinks his bulletproof vest protected him from any serious injury in that area. He also has a knife that he always carried on his outer right thigh in a slit pocket...it is destroyed, from something hitting it.
He called me after it happened. We talk often on our cell phones while he is at work, so at first when he called, it didn't really sink in that he was explaining that HE had been in this accident. At first, I thought he was saying that another trooper had been hit. Then, I thought he was IN his patrol car and was hit. When I finally understood the gravity of the accident, my heart just sank. I could hear his voice, but at that point, all I wanted was to see him, to touch him, to know that he was okay.

The moment I hung up the phone with him, I fell to my knees. My prayer was something like this: "Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

He was much calmer when he finally got home. We embraced for a long time when he walked in that door... and he hugged and kissed his children just a little bit longer than usual. He had to call several people who had heard about it through the Patrol grapevine, and reassure them.

We both had a hard time sleeping, and we talked about it. We both had this visual of the accident in our minds. What "could" have happened continually played out in our thoughts.

We both talked about the fact that he could've died. We both talked about how different this day might have been, that I might have been a widow, planning his funeral. It is a sobering thought. One thing I said to him was that I was comforted to know that if he had died, there was nothing left unsaid between us."

I think of this every year on this date. I look at our lives and what would be missing if he were not here. Our 5 year old son would never have known his daddy. We have 2 children who would never have been born. I am reminded that every moment is a gift, and too often we just sail right through it...as though it is our right. We too often act as though the people we love will just always be there--for one more day, one more memory, one more chance to tell them how much they mean to us.

I am glad on that day, I was granted that gift.