Yesterday I was having a text conversation with a dear friend, and she wrote, "Are you going to blog about Education Week?"
To which I replied, "Wait. I have a blog??"
I already know that what I am about to say isn't going to come out the way that I want it to, and I will end up wishing I were someone who could write more clearly the feelings and thoughts I have been having...but I am going to say what I want to in my own meager way.
A few months ago, I started working outside the home. At first it seemed like it would be just a more part time kind of thing, 4 or 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. It has since developed into a 6 to 7 hours a day, 4 days a week kind of thing. I am loving it, it is the right job at the right time. I am blessed.
However. I have noticed that I have not even remotely been able to keep up with many things that I spent hours on before. I do the best that I can, but my best is honestly pathetic right now. I am learning how to plan and schedule but SO much is done last minute, and I have to let go of lots of good things that are just not good enough right now for me to spend time and energy on.
I was considering how hard it is to juggle it all, and I found myself feeling more than a small pang of guilt over the times when I looked at the men in my life: at church, in the neighborhood, and sadly, in my own home, and thought that their efforts were lacking.
I am embarrassed by the times that I thought, "Geesh, how hard is it to email about something?" or "I wonder if the lawn is EVER going to get mowed...I've only mentioned it 12 times." or "We always have to pick up the slack for the men and make sure stuff gets done."
I am exhausted at the end of my work day, and I don't even work full time. What energy I have left I give to my sweet family, because that is as it should be. I find myself on the drive home, gearing up to forget how tired I am and how much I still want and need to do, and I focus on how I can help my children and my husband and my church. I realize now that my husband has done this for 25 years...and overall, I never gave it a thought. I just expected it.
I have always (I hope) been an appreciative wife and a loyal friend to the men in my life...but I can't honestly say that I really ever put myself in their shoes.
So let me say this to the good men I know:
I am sorry. For thinking you had to do more, and that you didn't care as much as I thought you needed to care about certain things. I am sorry for my lack of patience when you didn't do things in the time frame I thought they should be done, or the way I would have done them.
And thank you. Thank you for leaving your homes every day and working to provide for your families. Many of you work at jobs that in a million years I could never work, and you do it day in and day out because you believe in what you do and in who you do it for. Thank you for coming home and listening to the children and women in your lives when they need your love and attention, even when you are tired and worn down with the weight of the world. And thank you for taking on the honey do lists and church responsibilities when you really just want to sleep or watch TV for a bit.
So, as The Hubby's Grandma Peg would say, "That's it." That is all I wanted to say. I wish I could have said it better.
And , yes, I will blog about Education Week. Sometime. :)